so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
