It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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