If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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