You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
