I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it glows. i had to have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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