i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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