I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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