Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
