BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
