My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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