when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
