I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize