So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
