Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
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Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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