I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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