can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
