So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
