Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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