Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
