I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
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I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?