A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
