It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
