So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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