Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
