So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
