Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I need to calm my uterus...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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