Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
