Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
