So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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