I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
