I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
