I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
