Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize