I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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