Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
