Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's like heaven, but drunker
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
