I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
