Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
