Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
