Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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