to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
