Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
