I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
