you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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