She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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