I cockslap morals
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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