her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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