Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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