i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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