Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
