Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
