Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
