And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
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He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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