Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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