david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
