I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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