The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
