I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
