if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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