Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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